Fantasy Football And A Pillar Of Fire
This week, hovering above a bubbling, caldron-like body of water in Hot Springs, North Carolina, God - The Supreme Being, The Creator of the Universe, The One Beyond All Telling, The All-Knowing - gave an interview to a select group of multi-lingual but English-speaking international journalists.
At times using terms more familiar to Marine Drill Instructors than cloistered nuns, the really Divine One, was emphatic: “It’s time for politicians and so-called ‘religious leaders’ to cut the crap. I have not and will not tell Sarah Palin whether or not she should run a seat in Congress. Who does she think she is expecting Me to tell her it’s My will? There’s no way in hell I told Pat Robertson to come out of retirement and declare that murderous S.O.B. Putin is being ‘compelled by God’ to invade Ukraine and ‘bring on the End Times.’”
Members of the secretly gathered reporting pool noted that The Omnipresent One referred to such assertions as “cow paddies” and made clear “When We want the world to know something, the world will know. For example,” The Maker of Men and Women in the Divine Image asserted, “There’s no such thing as ‘a Christian nationalist nation,’ no matter what Lauren Witzke in Delaware says. In fact,” El Supremo added, “believe Me, I am in constant communication with Jesus and He started the whole ‘Christian’ thing and He’s assured me He’s never had anything to do with that ‘Christian nationalist’ beaver biscuits stuff.”
Speaking from a cloud of smoke during the day and a pillar of fire as the sun set, The One Who Knows the Number of the Stars said, “They don’t call Me unchanging without reason. Folks, think about it: If I’ve chosen one man to be the president of the United States – or any nation – then I’ve chosen all of them. If you liked Washington, Jefferson or Lincoln, either of the Roosevelts, or Ike or Harry, then blame Me for Filmore and Jackson and both Bushes. Damn. I’d even be responsible for Number 45 and Joe Biden and that’s not because he goes to Mass and Communion every Sunday. Get it straight! I don’t pick and choose!”
The Infinite One waxed philosophical as he declared, “Hell! I don’t pick popes and Dalai Llamas or winners of Super Bowls. If I’m not responsible for the Borgias and the anti-Semite Paul IV and New England’s ‘deflategate,’ why would I pick a president? I’d never make a 12-year-old Pope, like Benedict IX, and Formosus was so bad they dug him up, put him on trial and threw his body in the Tiber. Do you want to blame Me for them? Profligate popes and lying and thieving presidents, that’s on y’all. Don’t blame God when you don’t like the results. Or when you agree! That’s blasphemy!” The All Powerful thundered.
“I was never into all that smote stuff. So, Jerry Falwell was looney tunes when he said ‘AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.’ Wow! I wonder what he would have me do to Falwell Junior? He sure broke a fistful of Our Commandments!
“And don’t get me going on all those preacher and priest folks who are saying COVID-19 is My way of punishing people they don’t like. I don’t just believe in Evolution; I created it.
“Viruses are just part of on-going Evolution. And, after the vaccines came out, when all those anti-vaxxers started dying from and saying they ‘trust in God,’ what can I say? I put Science in perpetual motion and denying Science is just plain stupid and even God can’t cure mule-muffin stupid.
“I hope you folks will pardon the expressions – sortta hyperbole, because I’m…,” the voice of The Divine trailed off for a moment. “You know Who I am and what I’m about to say is anthropomorphism to the max, but those Bible thumpers who screamed about chips in the jabs and getting vaccinated is like ‘diabolic possession’ [The One doesn’t use air quotes.] and then, when they wind-up in the Intensive Care Unit, they want everything from full-out treatment to hydroxychloroquine and Ivermectin. That’s mega-selfish and stupid. And they want everyone to pray for them. Sorry, prayer don’t change stupid. And, since I’m The One all the prayers are directed at, I should know.”
By early afternoon, sensing that the gathered reporters needed to send out for extra pens and notebooks, recharge their recorder batteries and were beginning to get especially hungry, The Great Spirit ordered deliveries of fried fish sandwiches, fish tacos and some ice-cold indie beers and pitchers of the local sweetened ice tea. (There were no reports of leftovers.)
As reporters commented favorably on the local cuisine, The Creator observed, “So far, I’ve done all the talking. How ‘bout some questions?”
“Sir… I’m sorry. I mean ‘God.’ Wait. First, is it ‘Mr. God?’”
“God will do.”
“God, this morning you seemed to be saying that you don’t pick winners and losers in politics. Can you explain, please?”
“Let’s see if I can give you a couple of examples,” began The All-Knowing.
“We never miss the Army-Navy game and for Us, it’s always special when We hear that, upon graduation, a midshipman will become a Marine. We know too well how difficult some of their lives will be. One of our favorite priests is Vincent Capodanno – Marine, Medal of Honor recipient, hero., who gave his life to save other Marines. I’m still waiting for Rome to kick it into gear and make him a Marine Saint. But that’s another matter.
“So, when that kid from just up the road here in North Carolina lies and says his appointment to Annapolis was withdrawn after he was paralyzed in an accident, do you really think I’m going to support him. He already knew he was rejected by the Naval Academy when he was injured. Look at his driving record – three citations in five months – and a marriage that didn’t make it a year – even though he promises to protect ‘the nuclear family,’ lying about being invited to Congressional orgies and to use cocaine and then about someone being an alcoholic when she doesn’t even drink. Nah. No way he’d ever make my fantasy football team.
“Or that guy down in Georgia who claimed to be his high school valedictorian – he wasn’t – and said he was in the top one percent of his college graduating class. Please. He quit school to turn pro; he was just a Bulldog. And then, when he gets caught lying (Shall We say ‘prevaricating’?) about his academic record, his campaign communications director declares, ‘There is not a single voter in Georgia who believes that whether [he] graduated at the top of his class or as Valedictorian 40 years ago has any bearing on his ability to be a great United States Senator.’ But what about voters who care about being honest?” The One queried.
“What about the gentleman – and We use that word loosely – in Colorado who’s running for Congress and says that contraception irrevocably harms women by destroying the institution of marriage and abortion is ‘fuel for the demonic, because it is the sacrifice of a child at the altar of Baal.’ We’re not going to get into the abortion issue today. (That’s a promise of more of these press conferences as soon as I find some other fun places to meet and I can get in some fly fishing.) But he’s denying the freedom of a well-formed conscience. And ‘the altar of Baal.’ Cut Us a break!”
With nightfall, the One declared he really enjoys “the pillar of fire outfit – the dramatic effect, you understand” – and began riffing on subjects that seemed to reporters to be floating through His Omniscience.
“So. If I wouldn’t want them or Putin, the Castro brothers, Pinochet or Pol Pot on my fantasy football team, then why in My Name would I put them in power?”
“Please. A follow-up question,” shouted a reporter. “Then, God, you’re saying you don’t pick winners or losers; but, if politics were fantasy football, how would you pick your team?”
“Mmmmmmh,” mused The Divine. “Okay. We’re giving you the biggest story of your professional lives. So, We’re gonna make you work to find the citations. You’ve gotta promise not to use Google ‘cause that would be cheating. And remember, We’re The All-Knowing One and – if you use Google to find these quotes - We can easily blow up your whole computer system for years. Just kidding. Let’s try:
‘Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard:
The blind have their sight restored, the lame walk,
people with leprosy – today it’s called Hansen’s Disease – are cleansed,
the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life,
and the Good News is proclaimed to the poor.
And blessed is the person who does not fall away
or is offended because of me….’
“Seems to Us that, if We were picking a genuinely winning team, Our offensive and defensive lines would take seriously,
‘When I was hungry, you fed me.
When I was thirsty, you gave me something to drink.
When I was a stranger and an immigrant, you took me in.
When I was naked, you clothed me.
When I was sick, you made certain I received the care
to which I am entitled as a child of God.
When I was in prison, you visited me.’
“And Our entire team – coaching staff, back fields, trainers, everyone - would live by
‘To act justly,
to love tenderly
and to walk humbly with your God.’”
As reporters continued struggling to capture every word, The Supreme Being declared, “It’s late! I could do the water-into-wine schtick and produce some ribeyes, but that’s just being flashy and y’all have to drive. This has been fun. I promise We’ll do it again soon. Maybe in the Keys or Nova Scotia. We’ll check out the weather and fishing. Have fun. Drive safely. See ya soon!”
The pillar of fire instantaneously disappeared and reporters from around the world were heard shouting into cellphones “You’re not gonna believe the story I’ve got!”