Whale Paddies, Landsharks, and the Apostle Peter

(Divina Inspiratione New Service. Chokoloskee, Florida. 8/19/2022)  

Earlier this week, in an astonishing – and ofttimes rambling - press conference, one of the earliest leaders of worldwide Christianity addressed a wide range of issues. 

Although his most recent successor, the Argentinian Pope Francis, is well known for headline-making one-liners – “Who am I to judge?” “He who doesn’t pray to the Lord prays to the devil,” Simon Peter told reporters that he chose this out-of-the-way village on the edge of the Everglades “to avoid publicity. It’s a little like Bethsaida and Capernaum, far enough off the beaten path that the paparazzi will leave us alone. And ya gotta laugh that it was once a ‘smugglers’ haven.’

“First. Beer?  Can I get beer for anyone?

“No. Ya sure you’re all good? Okay. No opening statement. I’m all yours, Fire away.” 

Silence.

Members of the gathered press corps shifted uncomfortably atop stone crab traps.

Not a word.

“Ahhh, folks. No questions?”

Finally, the self-appointed dean of the reporters dared, “Why?”

“Why? Why what.” 

“After twenty-two hundred years, why now.”

“Well. We were there. And some in this country are just spewing whale paddies about ‘Christian nation’ and we just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“We?

“Andrew, James, John, Thomas. Even Paul. He wasn’t there but even Paul,” he paused, mopping the sweat from a deeply suntanned cheek.

“Especially, Paul. He was always something of a braggart:

‘I am a Jew, born in Tarsus of Cilicia, but brought up in this city.
I studied under Gamaliel and was thoroughly trained 
in the law of our ancestors.
I was just as zealous for God as any of you are today. 
I persecuted the followers of this Way to their death, 
arresting both men and women and throwing them into prison…
And when the blood of [the] martyr Stephen was shed, 
I stood there giving my approval and guarding
the clothes of those who were killing him.’
Acts 22

“So, we hear about this guy in Texas who’s supporting politicos in Arizona and Pennsylvania and other placees.” His voice trailed off before asking rhetorically, “Did you hear what he said? The others knew I could be a hothead sometimes - like with the sword in the garden and when I jumped out of the boat and forgot I’m not good swimmer. They made me promise to try – and I emphasize try – to avoid using names ‘cause we don’t want to embarrass people who are dumber than chum.

“You’ve got a guy goin’ all over the place saying – and I hate to quote him but I will:

‘This is a Christian movement – full stop.’

‘So no, we don’t want people who are atheists. We don’t want people who are Jewish. So why is that difficulyt to understand. They are so made that I said  this, right/ They’re so made that I  said  we don’t want people who aren’t Christan in a Christian movement. Why is that so complicated? Why is that so controversial?...

‘We don’t want people who are Jewish. This is an explicitly Christian movement because this is an explicitly Christian country. Now, we’re not saying that we’re going to deport all these people. Remember, you’re free to stay here, right? You’re not going to be forced to convert or anything like this but you’re going to enjoy… the fruits of living in a Christian society under Christian laws.’

“This guy is telling people

‘I stand by everything I have said aboutChristian Nationalism as a movement being explicitly Christian. This should be obvious by the name. Others are certainly welcome to spport the movement and enjoy the fruits of Christian leadership and culture, but we need candidates, leaders, thinkers, invluencers, culture warriors, and builders who believe in an follow  Jesus Chris. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be Christian nationalism.

‘If you are ethically Jewish and call Jesus your Savior they you are my brother or sister. This isn’t a racial issue.’

‘He’s got the chutzpah to tell people

‘Me loving my neighbor is my wanting my neighbor to be ruled by wise, biblical,

Christiana men. Why? Well, look at the fruits. Loot at the fruits of what happens when we allow pagans, Jews, non-believers, atheists to run our country, OK? What happens? What is the fruit of that? Well, the fruit of that is massive inflation, border invasion, billions and billions of dollars being sent to foreign countries. You know, a suicide epidemic in this country. Death of despair. Fentanyl deaths skyrocketing. And just this laundry list of stuff, OK? So this is what happens when non-believers are in positions of power and run our government.’

“He'’s talkin’ to people in Pennsylvania and forgets that William Penn’s 1681-1683 ‘Holy Experiment’ said:

‘For you are now fixed at the mercy of no governor that comes to make his fortune great; you shall be governed by laws of your own making and live a free, and if you will, a sober and industrious life. I shall not usurp the right of any...’

“This guy in Texas is telling people in Pennsylvania that they have to be ‘Christian Nationalists’ to be American. He doesn’t’ even know history. Whatta yahoo,” the first bishop of Rome explained.

“We were there to hear 

‘I was hungry and you gave me food… 
thirsty and you gave me drink…
a stranger and you took me in…
naked and you clothed me…
sick and you visited me…
in prison and you came to me….’

“Okay, Paul missed out on all of that, but he sure heard all of our stories.

“And nationalism? What’s with that? 

“Believe me: ‘I confess to Almighty God and to all the angels and saints’ that I was a coward. In my fear I was so afraid I denied Him three times in one night, but we were there! The Christ knew no nationalism. The Roman Centurion, The Samaritan woman. Beggars. Tax collectors. All Others. In those days, too many thought of them as ‘the Other.’ Every hear of Pentecost? Google it! I found my courage that day, I spoke to 

‘Parthians, Meds and Elamites;
Residents of  Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia,
Pontus and Asia,
Phrygia and Pamphylia,
Egypt and parts of Libya near Cyrene;
Visitors from Rome – both Jews and converts to Judaism; 
Cretans and Arabs….’
Acts 2

“We shared the Good News with people of all nations because the Master taught us to preach the Gospel to ‘all nations.’

“Phillip went to Greece and Syria and Phrygia – that Greece to you. But Phillip had a story that kicks so-called ‘white Christian nationalist’ in the stern:

An angel of the Lord said to Philip, ‘Rise and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza.’ This is a desert place. And he rose and went. And there was an Ethiopian, a eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who was in charge of all her treasure. He had come to Jerusalem to worship and was returning, seated in his chariot, and he was reading the prophet Isaiah.  And the Spirit said to Philip, ‘Go over and join this chariot.’ So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, ‘Do you understand what you are reading?’  And he said, ‘How can I, unless someone guides me?’ And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. 

‘About whom, I ask you, does the prophet say this, about himself or about someone else?’  Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning with this Scripture he told him the good news about Jesus.  And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, ‘See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?’  And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing.” 

Peter, who had been talking almost nonstop, paused and, reaching into the cooler at his feet, asked, “Landshark anyone?”

“Hell yea!” the two youngest reporters on the dock responded simultaneously. “Drinking with the Gatekeeper.”

“Let’s get something clear. Two-thousand years later and I still don’t know where that Gatekeeper idea comes from. But believe me, if I‘m at the gate and some philistine preaching white Christian nationalism thinks he’s  getting’ past me, well these arms haven’t been pulling fish nets all these years for nothin.

“Ya’all ain’t a Christian nation because ‘In Christ there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for all are one in Christ.’ That’s not my idea. Give Paul credit for that one. But he was right. 

“We – except Paul – heard him say ‘Come to me all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest.’ Those were His words. The Constitution that these white Christian nationalists think is sacred scripture and divinely inspired… I’ve spent enough time with the Divine now to know He, They, Father, Son and Spirit didn’t inspire the ‘Three-fifths Compromise’ and they sure wouldn’t have made women wait one-hundred-and-thirty-two years for the right to vote. That’s not Divine Inspiration. 

“Calling your Constitution the work of Divine Inspiration is damn close to neopaganism. It sure isn’t Christian – white or nationalist.”

With those words, Peter the Fisherman, founder of the Church at Antioch, first Bishop of Rome, and martyr, clapped his hand on his knees and announced, “Guys, It’s Florida lobster season and we’ve got lobsters, coleslaw, key lime pie, and Landsharks waiting. Take the cooler with you but save the beers until you’re safely home.

“We’ll be doing this again before the elections in November. I promise.”