Vulpes Vulpes Linn Vuvu
While his state legislature is still meeting, the governor of the Sometime State has already called lawmakers to a special session – beginning June 19th, an irony not noted by the governor or legislators - to pass a new series of “child protection” and “anti-pornography-in-our-schools” legislation.
“If we believe – and we do - that a six ton, seventeen feet tall block of Carrara marble that was carved more than seven-hundred years ago and has been seen by hundreds of millions of people is pornographic because it has male genitalia that reflect a body in ‘pre-fight tension,’ [Massimo Gulisano and colleague Pietro Bernabei of Florence University] then it is,” declared Florida Director of Censorship For All People (CFAP) R.U. Kiddinme as he announced the “special session.”
“And we’re not stopping there,” the gubernatorial appointee announced.
“If seeing an anatomically correct statue of a naked man can be traumatizing to the children of our state, imagine the damage that is done by seeing a real naked man,” he continued. “Therefore, our state’s legislators are going to outlaw all fathers showering or bathing with children too young for military service. Some parents in our state have complained that seeing the breasts of the Venus de Milo is so pornographic that it can cause trauma to their children. Therefore, effective immediately, all naked breasts will be covered on all statues in the state, all National Geographics will be removed from all libraries and, in honor of the 45th president, all images of naked breasts – including in medical school text books – will be blacked-out with Sharpies.
The administrative new hire, whose previous educational experience was limited to designing Happy Teachers Day greeting cards for Publix, continued, “If a statue can traumatize, just consider what a real flesh-and-blood breast can do to a child. Therefore, we are going to legislate one-piece and neck-and-shoulders-to-knees bathing suits for all women in public and private and mothers will be required to nurse babies in private – in locked closets.”
According to the governor’s newly established Keep-Our-Kids’-Minds-Pure Office, the new law is “intended to legislatively abolish all locker rooms and showers. It is also possible that we will be legislatively eliminating all intramural and interscholastic sports because it has been repeatedly reported that coaches, fans and parents in the stands and on sidelines and even players have been heard uttering words used by the 45th president and others in the Oval Office and to which some parents object because they are ‘unbiblical.’ To prevent that we must either eliminate all sports or demand that all sporting events be conducted in silence.
“In the same spirit, we will legislate absolute silence at all professional sporting events, including pickleball.”
Representative Adam Noteve (R, The Villages, aka STD Capital of America) reported, “If a parent objects to the A-word, the B-word, the C-word... Well, if a parent or anyone objects to the appearance of any word in any book in any school in our state, we believe it should be banned because we must protect our children.
“In that same spirit, we will legislate against male and female children older than toddlers playing together without an adult who has a certificate from the local Child Protection Police present, because they might traumatize or sexualize each other by playing ‘I’ll show you mine, if you’ll show me yours.’”
“Male students who have approximated or reached the onset of puberty will no longer be allowed to speak with other male students – in or out of school – because they might speak about nocturnal emissions, self-gratification or who-knows-what-horror,” according to Senate wife and state chairperson of Don’t Say It, Electra Complex. “Sleep-overs and camping trips not supervised by a law enforcement officer will be outlawed effective immediately because you never know what urges teens might speak about or give into,” added Senator Oedipal Complex (R, Kissimmee).
“Of course, schools will be prohibited from providing tampons or sanitary napkins for female students. Because, you know… Well, just because… That’s icky.
“While we like to believe that we are the state where woke pays exorbitant rentals and unfettered homeowners’ insurance rates to come and die, we must protect our children,” said co-sponsor Senator Scopophilia Schaulust (R, Freudalandia).
“In addition, in order to avoid all this unpleasantness about names and pronouns and straight and trans and whatever else, the governor and legislature have agreed that all children will be issued a cap or hat with a K-12 identification number and teachers, staff, coaches, administrators and all other students will be required to refer to each student by the student’s assigned number. Of course, we recognize that this will create difficulties for coaches in sports – calling a kid or giving a kid instructions by their 27-digit ID - but that’s the price you pay to live in an anti-woke world. To avoid any question of prejudice associated with white, black or brown and to enhance state pride, all caps or hats will be orange-tree-leaf green. Notice that I have just successfully managed to avoid any use of pronouns,” insisted legislative assistant Predictate Nominative.
“Bullying will no longer be allowed or tolerated in our state’s school system. Any student – regardless of religion, size, or how they classify or describe themselves (and, of course, this include furries or fuzzies or litter-box people, whatever they call themselves) who feels bullied or so-called picked-on can either toughen-up – it’s a dog-eat-dog-world out there – or get their diploma by YouTube. This is the place where woke goes to die and if kids and their parents don’t like it, they can move somewhere else.
“And, while we’re talking about all those snowflake-kids who moan and groan about bullying and not being understood, if they get killed or commit suicide that’s just their fault and their names will never again be mentioned in our schools and there will be none of these teary-eyed memorials for them. School is a place to learn that life is hard,” declared Representative Hallu Cinations (I, Outtatouch).
“We’re a Christian nation founded on Christian principles and America First. The only religious identification we will allow our students will be a cross. No more of the Star of David, no yarmulkas or Kofi caps. None of that. Our sports teams will kneel at center court or in the endzone and pray the Lord’s Prayer before games, at halftime and after games and, if parents or athletes don’t like that or feel ‘uncomfortable,’ [he used air quotes] that’s just too bad,” said the co-sponsor of the No-One-Prays-Before-A-Calculus-Exam-Anymore bill.
“In a state with some of the highest home and rental prices in the nation and where fewer and fewer people can afford hurricane insurance, we will now offer tuition assistance for families who choose to send their children to private or charter schools – including religious schools. This means that even millionaire and billionaire families will receive almost $8,000 of taxpayer money per child. Families living at the edge of poverty, families living paycheck-to-paycheck who could never dream of paying private school tuitions that are greater than the tuition at public universities will, of course, remain SOL – Significantly Outta Luck. Their kids will never go to the same schools as the kids of our governor and legislators and we’ll continue to make certain of that. But, hey, this is the state where woke dies. What can I tell you? What can I tell them? Take it to Jesus!” he added.
“In a state that celebrates white Christian nationalism, we will have no teaching about slavery, especially in ways that make children feel guilty or ashamed of what happened so long ago. We will teach and speak about ‘economic immigrants’ from Africa who came to America in order to be exposed to Anglo-Saxon European educations and saved through the blood of our Savior and an introduction to the mysteries of our great white Christian faith. Praise God and Alleluia!”
A footnote in the new legislative proposal points out that, to limit the possibility of male students looking up a female student’s skirt, shiny patent leather shoes will be verboten and all students will be required to wear classic Chuck Taylor high tops - to prevent the sexualization of feet and ankles. [You can Google Chuck Taylors, if you’re not a gym rat.] To prevent “sexual objectification and homoization of students,” male athletes must wear long-sleeve shirts at all times – “shirtlessness” will be “absolutely forbidden and grounds for expulsion” even during the hottest days of summer football practice. Freudian slips will be outlawed in all Peninsula schools.
In addition to the school proposals, the governor has called for a second “special session” at the end of July to outlaw all children’s “beauty shows.” “Make-up, frilly dresses, sashaying and prancing in front of gawking boys and men. These disgraceful junior versions of drag shows are just sexualizing our state’s daughters and I’m going to save them from becoming victims of pedophiles,” the governor explained in a Tallahassee press conference. “Our daughters should be competing in spelling and math and geography bees or learning how to protect themselves by competing in AR-style long rifle shooting competition.”
Vulpes Vulpes Linn (Vuvu) News reporters and commentators have noted that the governor and his associates were overheard in March admitting that all of these administrative dictates and legislative proposals are part of a campaign to promote fear [a la “communists,” “socialists” and “pedophiles”] and win votes in advance of the 2024 presidential campaign. [Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. We just couldn’t resist the Vuvu. The devil made us do it]