Sautéed Clams And Cheesecake With The Trinity
Sometimes God just ain’t too subtle.
But He, She, They – we’re dealing with The Trinity here; pronouns can be difficult – does/do enjoy an occasional word game and a challenge.
Although not impossibly difficult, the message – truly old school ‘cause it was in disappearing ink – seemed designed to make these reporters “work for it.”
1881. Train station. Cucina. Mica…Thursday 2:00 p.m
Scribbled at the bottom of the page: “Wear a Canes shirt. They’re still crying…”
A clue: The Hurricanes trashed, humiliated and destroyed – 41–17 - the Florida Gators in the teams’ season opener at The Swamp. “They’re still crying.” The destination had to be somewhere close enough to Gainesville to rub it in just ever so slightly.
A few Google searches and we realized God was convening a late-lunch/early-dinner press conference in Just-About-Nowhere, Florida. Find your way to Micanopy – described by Huffington Post as one of the “12 cutest small towns in America” – then go another four miles south on Highway 441 to an 1881 train station – The Depot, home of the Speakeasy and Antonio’s Cucina Italiana.
Looking very much like what it was – an 1881 railroad depot converted to a home converted to an intimate Italian restaurant, Antonio’s was empty – except for The Trinity in green polos from AllCanes at a table for six.
“Come on in. They don’t open for dinner ‘til four,” the basso profundo voice of The Father invited. “We have the place to ourselves; the kitchen and waiting staff can’t recognize us but they’re still sworn to secrecy.”
“Billy and Jenny Mullowney were here just after the game,” explained Jesus (a.k.a. The Son). “She recommended it and raves about the fresh clams; they’re from Cedar Key and she says the sauce is ‘like velvet.’ Everything is exceptional.”
Unlike previous “press conferences” with AuthenticHealers – Pascal Manale’s in New Orleans and Alabama Jack’s and Morada Bay Café in the Florida Keys, this meeting had an air of tension. As soon as the waiter had taken orders, The Son spoke up, his voice beginning to fill the room, “What’s with these politicians?”
Jesus was already “on a roll,” explained The Holy Spirit. “It all started when the former president addressed an Iowa audience almost immediately after a seventeen-year-old shot five students and three staff members at Perry High School and then killed himself; a sixth grader and the principal died and four other students and two staff members were wounded….”
Throughout the explanation, Jesus drummed his fingers on the table and moved water glasses and silverware – a divine and human effort to contain his anger.
Suddenly pulling pages from his jeans pocket, he addressed the reporters:
“We – all three of us, even before we get to our point, want to be precise. So, here’s precisely what he said. Here’s copies for each of you.
‘I want to send our support and our deepest sympathies to the victims and families touched by the terrible school shooting yesterday in Perry, Iowa. To the entire community, we love you, we pray for you and we ask God to heal and comfort really the whole, the whole state. And the pain, the pain that you have is something that’s very unique to your state. We’re really with you as much as anybody can be. It’s a very terrible thing that happened. And ahhh, it’s just terrible to see that happening. So surprising to see it here but ahhh we have to get over it. We have to move forward. We have to move forward. But to the relatives and to all the people that are so devastated right now to a point they can’t breathe, they can’t live, we are with you and we love you and cherish you.’
“’We have to get over it. We have to move forward. We have to move forward.’ Those rank with the most callous and inhumane words ever spewed by a politician. That’s not presidential. ‘We have to get over it…’ That’s just plain cruel.”
Gulping from his water glass and barely stopping to breathe, Jesus continued, “’Do you know what he said after shootings in El Paso and Dayton killed a total of 29 and injured fifty-three? He dared to say, ‘The First Lady and I join all Americans in praying and grieving for the victims, their families, and the survivors.’
“Bullsh..,” Jesus was silenced mid-execration by a glance from The Father, who added, “The former president was a candidate when the shooting at the Pulse nightclub happened. But the victims were mostly LGBT+ and their friends. No ‘thoughts and prayers’ then. In fact, on February 13 of this year, USA Today reporter Chris Brennan cited statistics from the nonprofit Everytown for Gun Safety:
‘From Jan. 20, 2017, to Jan. 19, 2021 – Trump's time as president – the country saw 1,714 mass shootings in which four or more people were killed or wounded, with 1,679 deaths and 7,355 injuries…’
“But the Pulse massacred was a case where the shooter was an American-born child of immigrants from Afghanistan and, of course, he’ll never miss an opportunity to attack Muslims and immigrants. He calls them ‘these people.’ He used the Pulse speech to empower his anti-Muslim campaign.”
“Yes,” interrupted The Holy Spirit, still using some of Antonio’s freshly baked bread to scoop-up every last morsel of his fettuccine pescatori, “but one of his speech writers did a decent job in quoting 2 Kings 20:5 when they got him to say ‘…we hold on to God’s word in scripture: I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears.’ He had no idea where that came from. He was just reading the teleprompter.”
“Maybe he found that line in the Bible Ivanka pulled out of her purse for the photo op in front of St. John’s on June 1, 2020,” snickered The Son. “Then again, he pocketed $300,000 on his Trump Bibles. No wonder he once called it his ‘favorite book. The Bible. Nothing beats the Bible.’ Of course, he used the King James Version ‘cause he didn’t have to pay copyright fees.”
“But give him credit,” mused The Spirit. “When he was shilling that $59.99 Bible he did say ‘All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many.’ The Bible or many Bibles are as useless as a dictionary or many dictionaries if you never open them.”
Eyeing the tray of deserts the waiter was holding for the group’s inspection, The Spirit queried, “Can we get extra plates and forks and just keep sharing all around. I want the cheesecake, but…” Her words hung in the air and evaporated as the waiter, who had heard the same question a hundred times, laughed and responded, “Of course.”
“Friends,” The Father addressed the table, “Now that the desert issue has been resolved – and you’ll be taking some home – let’s get to the issue.
“We’re God – The Trinity, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, The One, Three-in-One. Call us, refer to us as you will.
“We’re God. We don’t deflect bullets. We don’t send angels to bring flags together to form angels over a stage where a president of the United States escaped assassination by turning his head.
“Since the Columbine massacre on April 20, 1999, the United States has experienced 417 school shootings, according to The Washington Post on September 6, 2024. The median age of a school shooter is 16, and the boy who killed four in Georgia was only fourteen years old; the youngest shooter so far was six-years-old.
“Yup. We’re God. The One. But we deal in both facts and Faith. So, here’s facts: According to The Hill on September 5, there have already been 22 shootings with at least four or more fatalities in the U.S. this year. The non-profit Gun Violence Archive defines a ‘mass shooting’ as one where four or more people are wounded or killed and collects its information from over 7,500 law enforcement, media, government and commercial sources. It puts the numbers for 2024 at 385.”
“There’s a problem with being God,” noted The Spirit. “All that talk about ‘thoughts and prayers’ from politicos. It’s just talk. If presidential candidates like Trump, if senators and congressional representatives, if state legislators and governors aren’t willing – if they’re too weak or too cowardly - to do something about gun violence, there’s not a damn thing We can do about it.
“Thoughts and prayers don’t change History. Thoughts and prayers don’t change Nature. Thoughts and prayers don’t change others. Thoughts and prayers don’t change God and we know, because we are God. Thoughts and prayers change the one who thinks and prays.”
“It’s simple,” noted The Spirit. “The next time you hear a politician talk about their thoughts and prayers after a mass shooting, getting over it or moving on, if they haven’t been campaigning for, voting for, working for red flag laws, limiting access to high power and rapid-fire weapons and other common sense gun measures favored by the majority of Americans and the majority of NRA members, they’re just reading off a teleprompter or spewing something the bull left behind.”
“Friends,” said a calmer Jesus, who seemed to have said what he wanted to say – gotten it all off His chest for the moment, “We’ve already taken care of the bill and ordered special boxes of take-home, including more deserts. They’re waiting for you at the door.
“Hope this has been good for you. With voting starting in a few weeks, we’re gonna do this again real soon. Drive carefully.”
And they – Father, Son and Holy Spirt; The One; The Trinity; call them what you will – were gone.