He Really Said That
At the recent – and completely over-the-top - Washington Gala for the Benefit of Magniloquence and Theological Self-Aggrandizement, the orotund and supremely well-coiffed and haute-coutured audience held its collective breath, anticipating the announcement of this year’s recipient of the coveted “He Didn’t Really Say That, Did He? Prize.”
An almost all-encompassing silence gripped the grand figures of American politics when the room went suddenly dark. In an instant, variegated laser lights - (not the kind Marjorie Taylor Greene intimated might have caused massive forest fires in the American West) - flashed off 1970s-style disco balls suspended from the ceiling.
And, because every man, woman and child on the nation’s A, B and C lists of the important, self-important and complete has-beens refused to participate in the final presentation, a computer-generated voice announced:
“The He Didn’t Really Say That, Did He? Award goes to…
Drumroll please…
Daffy Duck
The truth is that the vote was tied: 1 to 1.
We had anticipated that the man who – in his own estimation – has done “more for Christianity and Religion” than anyone in history would score a hat trick, but one voter insisted this year’s prize go to the character who gave us:
“What’s up, Doc?”
“I have PMA (Positive Mental Attitude).
I am positive,
I am mental and I know I have attitude.”
“You’re despicable!”
“Me? Normal?
How dare you insult me like that?”
“I don’t want to be grown up anymore.”
“I’m in my own little world. But it’s okay, they know me here.”
“Just when I’m getting used to the voices in my head,
one of them starts stuttering.”
“If you’re happy and you know it,
you’re probably annoying someone who isn’t.”
As a result, we are announcing an early opening of voting for the person who has done the most in history for Religion and Christianity. As you prepare to submit your vote, consider:
In November 2018, this year’s runner-up told TV preacher Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network”
“Well, they’re [evangelical Christians] going to show up for me because nobody’s done more for Christians or evangelicals or frankly religion than I have.”
This is the man who, when asked which parts of Jewish/Christian Scripture are most important to him, demurred and responded that the answer was “private.” When asked whether he is drawn more to the New or Old Testament, he replied “both.” And, in the same 2015 interview with the Christian Broadcast Network, he offered the theological insight
“There’s so many things you can learn from it (the Bible). Proverbs, the chapter ‘never bend to envy.’ I’ve had that thing all of my life where people are bending to envy.”
Small problem: The sentence, phrase or admonition “Never bend to envy” cannot be found anywhere in either Testament. The Book of Proverbs, often attributed to King Solomon, mentions envy in Chapters 3, 14, 23, and 24 and warns against envying the wicked and violent. Psalm 3:1-3 cautions “Never envy the wicked! Soon they fade away like grass and disappear. Trust in the Lord instead. Be good to others….”
Proverbs 24:1-2 cautions “Be not envious of evil men, nor desire to be with them. For their hearts devise violence, and their lips talk of trouble.” The words “never,” “bend” and “envy” do not appear in Proverbs.
In a September 2015 CBN interview with the Christian Broadcast Network, the then television entertainer waxed, who would twice lose the presidential popular vote and be impeached twice, mused
“The Bible is special. The Bible, the more you see it, the more you read it, the more incredible it is. I don’t like to use this analogy, but like a great movie, a great incredible movie. You’ll see it once it will be good. You see it again. You can see it twenty times and every time you’ll appreciate it more. The Bible is the most special thing.”
As a political candidate, the thrice thrice-married front-runner appeared at the evangelical Liberty University and pontificated (pun intended):
"I hear this is a major theme right here, but Two Corinthians, 3:17 that's the whole ball game. You know, when you think - and that's really - is that the one? Is that the one you like? I think that's the one you like, because I loved it."
He was, apparently referring to the verse “Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty” that appears on buildings across the campus. The verse is normally referred to as “Second Corinthians.”
The man who has at least three times declared himself to have done more for Christianity and Religion than anyone in history has also gifted the religious world with new ways of looking at sin and God’s forgiveness. At the July 2015 Family Leadership Summit, the moderator’s query “But have you ever asked God for forgiveness?” was followed by a five second pause and a facial expression that would cause any nun teaching in a Catholic grade school to admonish “Wipe that smirk off your face.” He then responded:
“I’m not sure I have; I just go on from there and try to do a better job. I don’t think so. I think, if I do something wrong I think I just try and make it right, I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t. Now when I take (sic), when we go [to] church and when I drink my little wine, which is about the only wine I drink [said holding his thumb and forefinger as if holding a child’s teacup] and I have my little cracker I guess that’s a form of asking for forgiveness. I do that as often as possible because I feel cleansed, okay? But you know to me that’s important. I do that. But in terms of officially I could say absolutely and everybody [sic] I don’t think in terms of that. I think in terms of ‘let’s go on and let’s make it right.”
“My little cracker”???? He didn’t really say that, did he?
While readers are encouraged to vote their conscience for the person who has done more for Christianity and Religion than anyone else in history, we have a number of names to present for your consideration:
Abraham (after all, he was the father of Judaism, Christianity and Islam – a rather impressive resume)
The Buddha
Johannes Gutenberg – the Bible printer
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – be considered individually or collectively
Moses – we wouldn’t have Passover without him
Paul – a.k.a. Saul – well-travelled through the “known world” of his time and a very good writer of letters – especially to the Two Corinthians
Mary, mother of Jesus, the women at the foot of the Cross and the women who went to the tomb on Easter Sunday morning; they can be considered collectively or as individuals
King Solomon – great Perry Mason moment suggesting chopping the baby in two
The Prophets – individually or collectively
Thomas - introduced Christianity to India
Confucius
Gyalwa Rinpoche – a.k.a. the Fourteenth Dalai Lama and/or any of the thirteen others.
John Calvin
St. Jerome – translated the Old Testament from Hebrew to Latin and the New Testament from Greek to Latin
Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield (Ben & Jerry) – have developed ice creams that make folks praise God
Plato and Aristotle
Benedict of Nursia (480 – 550 AD) – established The Rule that governs monastic life even today and elevated the dignity of manual labor in the service of God
Einstein Brothers – they brought the bagel and a shmear to a store near you
Henry VIII – made divorce and remarriage quite popular and established the Church of England/Anglican Church (Episcopal Church in the US)
Martin Luther
Thomas Jefferson – “cut and pasted” his own 84-page version of the New Testament, one without miracles, the Resurrection and Ascension.
Charles Darwin
Sidney Poitier – built a great staircase to the choir loft for nuns in the desert
Maimonides – Talmudic scholar
Pope John XXIII – had a great sense of humor and personal humility
Muhammad
Albert Einstein
Knute Rockne – ‘nough said
Father Theodore Hesburgh
Ignatius of Loyola – founder of the Jesuits and responsible for all their schools and universities
The Miami Hurricanes football teams – they’ve brought fans to their knees in prayer since we were kids
St. Anonymous #1 – inventor of the glow-in-the-dark and dashboard Jesuses
Bing Crosby
Red Rogers – host of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The Byrds - We might never know “To everything there is a season” without them.
Don Shula – the NFL’s winningest head coach
Leonardo Da Vinci – Without him we would never know the seating arrangements for the Last Supper.
Michelangelo – Who knew King David was so tall?
Jim Henson, the Muppets and the entire case of Sesame Street
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Readers are invited to “vote early and vote often.”