Dum Sum-ism, Humpty Dumpty-ism, And Alabama Jack’s Conch Fritters
It’s settled!
By Divine (with a capital D) fiat (as in “fiat lux et facta est lux)!
Alabama Jack’s conch fritters and crab cakes are the best. [We might have said “divine” but that would be hooky.]
How good are they?
So good that when God – “the One” of Judaism, Christianity and Islam and “Father, Son and Holy Spirit” – invited Authentic Healers and other reporters to a Tuesday, out-of-the-way press conference He/They chose this bit of South Florida history as a meeting place.
Happily, for ole timers and for those who’ve never heard of Alabama Jack’s, this culinary diamond-in-the-rough has survived seventy-six years of hurricanes and mosquitos and is still a secret because it’s located eleven miles southeast of the southern-most traffic light on the actual continental United States.
Year-round it’s a flip-flops and dressed-down hideaway, but, before you order the homemade key lime pie or chocolate peanut butter cheesecake, you must schedule confession.
These, God would explain to reporters arriving on the scene, were the reasons of His venue choice: Out-of-the-way, conch fritters and crab cakes, and sinful desserts.
God’s entrance was lowkey but spectacular. Waiting until reporters were seated at two rough-hewed tables that had been pushed together, He – They – appeared. Suddenly just there. Pooof! Visible to the reporters. Invisible to everyone else. As The One, occasionally speaking through distant thunder rumbles. As Father, Son or Holy Spirit, He/She/They spoke for Him/Her Self - depending on the message.
Our waitresses reported that someone had already place the food order and paid cash with a “huge” tip. And, through distant thunder, the invisible-to-everyone-but-the-reporters God set the tone of the meeting: “We’re going by the Pope Francis Rule.”
“The Pope Francis’s Rule?” queried the reporter from Agence Invino Veritas.
“When Pope Francis said ‘Who am I to judge?’ he set the rule. All questions are fair. All answers will be honest.’”
“God, you’ve only held a few press conferences. Why now?”
“I’ll take that one,” the Son, also known as Jesus, responded, passing heaping plates of conch fritters to his right and left. [Reporter’s Note: These are not like any conch fritters you’ve ever seen before. They’re huge and conchy!]
“But my answer is really a question: ‘This Steve Bannon guy. What’s with his background pictures of the Immaculate Conception and My Sacred Heart? His anti-immigrant diatribes, his wall-building rip-off, his verbal garbage against COVID-19 vaccinations. And when he’s been indicted for a phony ‘We build the wall’ scheme and then received a presidential pardon on the last day he’s in office, don’t use us – my Mother and Me - as pious background to white wash thievery. Neither Mary as the Immaculate Conception nor I – the Sacred Heart – are going to give our permission to rip-off our images. But We’re just tired of the hypocrisy and We decided to speak out. That’s why now. I’m sorry that was really a question and an answer.”
“I know this is really a broad question,” piped up the reporter from Sand-In-Your-Shoes Press as he reached – again – for the smoked fish spread. “But, as God, how do you see religion in the United States today?”
“As the Spirit of Truth, may I give a perspective,” responded the Third Person, who, reporters noted, sported a bright red Bamboo Cay shirt. [Actually, Rainbow flip-flops and Bamboo Cay shirts – available at Captain’s Landing stores in Punta Gorda and Sarasota - seemed to be the choice of the Trinity – at least when they’re hanging at Alabama Jack’s.]
“America and American politicians should probably declare themselves ‘Cafeterists’ and ‘Cafeteriaism’ as their religion. Or (and I like the subtlety of this) ‘Dum Sum-ists’ and ‘Dim Sum-ism.’”
Reporters dropped knives and forks to note the headline-making words. The AP and NYT reps glanced at each other’s notebooks – attempting to determine how to spell Dum Sum-ism correctly.
“America is the land of theological and religious dim sum-ism. Folks, especially politicians, are constantly picking and choosing – a little bit of this and a little bit of that - but always in a search for what will appeal to voters and get them money and elected or reelected.”
Sensing the reporters’ curiosity, the Spirit continued, “Being ‘pro-life’ gets votes and financial support. But proving yourself ‘hard on crime’ also gets votes and bucks.
“So, the governor of Florida campaigns on a six-week abortion ban – that’s not really pro-life; it’s pro-abortion up to six weeks – and then he signs six death warrants and – in effect – approves of and oversees six executions in six months. It’s like dim sum in a Chinese restaurant – pick what you like and pass on what you don’t. Call yourself Catholic or ‘evangelical’ or ‘a believer’ but be that only as long as it’s convenient. In fact, the most meaningless word of all is ‘Christian.’
“Calling yourself ‘Christian’ in America is like declaring you are Humpty Dumpty. Remember Humpty Dumpty in Alice In Wonderland? He insisted ‘When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less,’” said The Spirit, appearing surprised by the gathered press corps’ reaction to the reference to the not-just-for-children children’s tale.
The Father was quick to pick-up the train of thought. “Politicians – and too many others – treat Christianity as though they have the personal right to determine what ‘Christian’ means. We respect and love dedicated Muslims. The first and guiding principle of Islam is ‘There is no god but God…’ Absolutely true. But one can declare himself Muslim by simply repeating ‘La ilaha illa Allah, Muhammadun rasoolu Allah – There is no true god but God (Allah), and Muhammad is the Messenger (Prophet) of God.’ Of course, just saying words doesn’t make anyone a true Muslim. The second and third Pillars of Islam are prayer – and We recognize that in Christianity prayer is both individual and communal – but prayer and almsgiving. Those two seal the relationship of Islam – with the Almighty and with the community. We sometimes call American public Christians ‘Islamochristians’ or “Christolamists.’ That might sound nasty but it’s true. They say ‘Christian’ and ignore the living dynamic of the word.
“Ask a politician about his theology of social justice or theology on the environment or theology on the rights of workers and unions and just wages and you’ll get a quick change of topics to pro-life or a woman’s right to choose. Ask what community he or she worships with and how often and he or she will say you are intruding into their private lives. Ask the words of their Sacred Scripture that guide their political life and they’ll dodge with ‘Lord and Savior’ or ‘Adam and Eve’ gobbledegook.”
The Spirit was not mixing words. “Ask them how they live their religion and watch them squirm.”
“May I say something here?” The Son interrupted. “It’s like ‘woke.’ What in Our name does ‘woke’ mean. What does it mean when American politicians call themselves ‘Christian’?
“Let me give you two examples. The good ‘Christian’ legislators of George passed a bill in August 2021 that says – and I’ve got a good memory, so I’m gonna quote it directly:
‘No person… shall any person give, offer to give, or participate in the giving of any money or gifts, including, but not limited to, food and drink, to an elector.’ And that laws applies within 150 feet of a polling place or within 25 feet of any voter at a polling place. Violators are guilty of a misdemeanor. Water to a voter who’s been in line for hours? How in Our name is that Christian?
“And what about Texas, mega-Christian-church capital of the world. As we’re sitting here, they’ve already had more than 25 straight days of temperatures over 100 degrees in Austin. And it ain’t gonna get better any time soon. In July, Governor Gregg Abbott signed a new law eliminating mandated water breaks for certain laborers, including construction workers. Christian legislation in name only. Humpty Dumpty was right.
“I guess – and I’m really sorry for sounding sarcastic; I’m not sarcastic; I’m condemnatory – their Scriptures don’t have ‘When I was hungry you gave me to eat’ and ‘When I was thirsty, you gave me to drink.’ Humpty Dumpty Christianity. Christian means what I say it means.
“Like the Florida governor who’s so desperate for votes he’s promising – and you can’t make this up – to ‘slit the throats’ of government workers from ‘the deep state.’ Of course, like ‘woke’ he can’t tell you who’s in the ‘deep state.” It’s 2023’s version of the Illuminati or global Masonic conspiracies. So now, targeting and ‘slitting the throat’ of a ‘deep state’ FBI agent who’s put his life on the line dozens of times or a DEA agent who’s spent years trying to interdict drugs coming into your country or an environmental protection scientist who’s trying to protect your drinking water is the price of a vote. Sorry, We can’t protect you from that insanity and hatred.
“The ‘deep state’? Were FBI special agents Daniel Alfin and Laura Schwartzenberger ‘deep state agents’ when they were murdered – with an assault rifle – while attempting to execute a search warrant related to child sexual abuse material in 2021? The killer was part of an international pedophile ring that stretched all the way to Australia. This month, nineteen men were arrested and thirteen children rescued. Were those agents part of a ‘deep state?’” As The Son’s voice reached a roar, out-of-the-blue lightning struck nearby – slightly singeing the hair of several reporters.
With that, He snagged the last remaining fried fish finger.
All eyes went to The Father as He reached for his second “Mahi Mahi blackened taco,” before making His point. “I don’t care if it’s History or Religion. In 2023, too many Americans have lost all sense of perspective. They throw around words as if they know what they’re saying and, in truth, they’re just spewing claptrap and jargon. Except for the One – or the Three – of Us, We’re the only people at this table who heard President John Kennedy’s great speech in which he addressed those who attempted to smear him as a ‘liberal.’
“If by a ‘Liberal,’ they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people - their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties - someone who believes that we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say that I'm a "Liberal…
“I believe in human dignity as the source of national purpose, in human liberty as the source of national action, and the human heart as the source of national compassion, and in the human mind as the source of our invention and our ideas. It is, I believe, this faith in our fellow citizens as individuals and as people that lies at the heart of the liberal faith, for liberalism is not so much a party creed or a set of fixed platform promises as it is an attitude of mind and heart, a faith in man's ability through the experiences of his reason and judgment to increase for himself and his fellow men the amount of Justice and freedom and brotherhood which all human life deserves.
“I believe also in the United States of America, in the promise that it contains and has contained throughout our history of producing a society so abundant and creative and so free and responsible that it cannot only fulfill the aspirations of its citizens, but serve equally well as a beacon for all mankind…”
Pushing his chair back, The Father pointed to the trays of key lime pie and peanut butter chocolate cheese cake and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a pleasure. I – We – promise to do this again real soon. Enjoy the deserts – we’ve even ordered seconds for y’all. But remember, seconds means confession.”
And They were gone. Poof!